


Track 17. Little Cur, Little Armitage

by Piano_Padawan



Series: Star Wars Song Parodies [3]
Category: Fiddler on the Roof - Bock/Harnick/Stein, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Gingerpilot, M/M, Script Format, Song Parody, but very cynical crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21858067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano_Padawan/pseuds/Piano_Padawan
Summary: *INSPIRED BY THE RISE OF SKYWALKER LEAKS - READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION*So, concerning the main (and as far as I know, the only) leaked info so far about Hux, I have many thoughts. Like many of my thoughts, a good deal of them are best conveyed in a cynical musical parody with plenty of GingerPilot (which is almost canon now). This is based on the Chavaleh Ballet Sequence from Fiddler on the Roof, because I love that musical/movie and also because Pryde is the exact opposite of Tevye in so many ways that this image amused me.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux
Series: Star Wars Song Parodies [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574758
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	Track 17. Little Cur, Little Armitage

**Author's Note:**

> All copyrighted material here used here is for unofficial parody purposes. Please forgive the improper script format. I couldn't get the indentation to work here for some reason, so I had to improvise with what's screen direction vs. dialogue.

INT. Star Destroyer Command Bridge

_ALLEGIANT GENERAL PRYDE is pacing angrily down the catwalk as First Order officers are wont to do. He is in a bad mood after listening to Kylo Ren’s poem entitled “Darkness” for the past hour and really is hoping for some good news._

_Approaching footsteps. LIEUTENANT MITAKA enters, even more nervous and anxious than usual. Pryde eyes him with disdain._

**MITAKA**

General! General!

**PRYDE**

Lieutenant, what is it?

**MITAKA**

It’s General Hux. He left the ship this morning… with Dameron.

**PRYDE (stunned)**

What?

**MITAKA**

We looked everywhere for him! We sent out the Sithtroopers with their Huxfinders… we even went to the Supreme Leader. (stifled sobs) He told me they were married.

**PRYDE**

Married?

**MITAKA (solemnly)**

Yes.

**PRYDE**

Supreme Leader Ren and Armitage? I thought they were already engaged.

**MITAKA**

No. Armitage and Dameron. Armitage he… he let the Resistance go this morning. Dameron told him something about sand and agony. They flew off into the binary sunset on a stolen TIE Fighter.

_The FIRST ORDER TECHNICIANS pause in their work, looking up at Pryde in horror. Even the STORMTROOPERS appear appalled, or as appalled as they can appear with the mask._

**PRYDE**

Well? What are you looking at? We have other rabid curs. You have work to do. I have work to do.

**MITAKA (sobbing)**

But Armitage!

**PRYDE**

Armitage is dead to us! He’s a lower form of amoeba to us now. We’ll forget him. Now, get back to work! Go!

_Mitaka backs away and slowly leaves the Bridge in tears. The rest of the crew exchanges baffled looks before resuming their normal duties. Pryde goes back to pacing which is half of his job here anyway. He gazes out of the viewport at the void of space and begins to reminisce in the form of a musical montage…_

**PRYDE**

Little cur. Little Armitage.

I don’t understand what got into your head.

How could you betray us now?

All I can see is your angry speech.

What a loyal rabid cur you were

Armitage, Armitage.

_DISSOLVE to a montage of a young ARMITAGE HUX presenting his crayon-drawn model of Starkiller to a group of very proud Imperials, followed by his speech before the destruction of the New Republic and various dealings with Phasma and Ren. All of this is portrayed in the form of a violin-accompanied ballet dance sequence lit by the background glow of the ray of a solar-powered Death Star._

**PRYDE (CONT’D)**

Little cur. Little Armitage.

You were always such an angry little thing

Eager to kill Rebel Scum

Ruthless, cruel and diligent

What a good rabid cur you were

Armitage. Armitage.

_Near the end of the dance sequence, Armitage separates from the First Order dance team and leaps into POE DAMERON’s arms. The two run off together. DISSOLVE back to the Command Bridge. CLOSE ON General Pryde’s even grouchier than usual face. Pryde isn’t a fan of love, especially love with redemption arcs, because he is evil incarnate._

**FIRST ORDER MONITOR**

General, incoming transmission from Gen- er… Armitage Hux.

_A hologram of ARMITAGE HUX appears at the front of the Bridge. He is dressed in a formal suit, presumably from his wedding. He already appears less stressed and more well-rested than before._

_Pryde resents all of this. He glares down at the hologram._

**ARMITAGE**

General Pryde. I’ve been trying to contact you all day. Do you ever check your texts?

_Pryde scowls even more. He resents texting almost as much as he resents love and small holograms of Armitage Hux. The combination of all three has rendered him too resentful to speak to the small hologram of Armitage Hux._

**ARMITAGE (CONT’D)**

General, I need you to reconsider the attack on the Rebel Base. My husband and I are staying there until the honeymoon. You… you wouldn’t actually fire a Starkiller at me, would you? Wasn’t I your favorite student back at the academy?

_Silence._

**ARMITAGE (CONT’D)**

General, stop! At least listen to me!

_More silence._

**ARMITAGE (CONT’D)**

General, I’m begging you to accept us!

Pryde turns away from the hologram and stares out at the Bridge.

**PRYDE**

Accept them? How can I accept them? How can I turn my back on our goal to restore peace and order to the galaxy and accept that he’s married…

He looks down at the hologram, Poe seems to have stepped in front of Armitage’s hologram projector and appears to be showing Armitage an amalgam between a hand-grenade, a laser cannon and a machete.

**PRYDE (CONT’D)**

A man who is the epitome of disorder. On the other hand, how can I turn my back on our rabid cur mascot? Armitage has been a loyal officer till now with impressive vocal abilities. No one else can scream orders quite as loudly as he can without tearing a vocal cord. On the other hand, how can the First Order accept in-laws who blow up everything we know and love? On the other hand…

_In the hologram, Poe is now showing Armitage a blueprint of what is obviously a battle plan to blow up the First Order fleet. Armitage is gesturing at him frantically to put it away._

**PRYDE**

No. There is no other hand! NO, ARMITAGE! NO! BAD RABID CUR! BAD!

**ARMITAGE**

But, General!

**PRYDE**

BAD!

to the First Order monitor)

Turn off the projector!

_The crew stares at Pryde in horror._

**FIRST ORDER MONITOR**

Um… pardon me, General, but isn’t it a little backwards for you to reject Armitage for marrying another man? I know this is a long time ago in a galaxy far away, but still, that seems pretty backwards considering that everyone we have is so modern.

**PRYDE**

What? No. That’s not my problem at all. I just wish it had been a First Order man. Do you honestly think I’d be that homophobic as to oppose gay main characters in my fleet? I may be evil incarnate, but I’ve got standards.

INT. The Rebel Base.

_ARMITAGE HUX is seated in front of a hologram projector with POE DAMERON._

**ARMITAGE**

Well, that went poorly.

**POE**

Hey, it’s better than if I’d left you behind on the ship to be executed right after you broke through decades of brainwashing and abuse to be redeemed, right?

**ARMITAGE**

Touché.


End file.
